not your regular program
- a strange formatting today. just one-liners
it’s your heart, it needs defending (jannatun)
just focus on taking it easy (guadalupe)
the weather will get warmer and you will be fine (my mom)
random convos i eavesdropped, probably in cafes.
‘i love when men cry.’
‘yeah it’s pretty sweet.’
‘her idea for having a wedding is, we need a gun.’
‘my sister, a smart girl — often an idiot.’
ok that’s all i have for you today. back to the regular program
thoughts
now your idea of love once more has a face, and i am sorry for it. but the world is the way it is — i have made it that way and will keep making it that way until you know the loves i have carved out for you – my thoughts on God’s thoughts
(because i am) antagonistic i realize; antagonistic to everything, unfitting to anything that doesn’t cut the same way as me
it’s like being an invisible ally, being half-asian. it’s being asian but no one witnessing it. and it’s awful but it’s also a little cool — i feel like a secret agent
yes i still have feelings for her though i cut off a friend of eight years. yes, i feel pain
‘well think positively and we’ll talk soon’ (coffee shop)
and nothing will bring me back to that moment sitting there with my japanese side on the other side of the world. absolutely nothing will be bring me back there, except maybe a plane or a time-travel machine
let me explain to you the horror of my situation. i do not know if i will see my [redacted] again. he bought me this dress and what if back then that was the last he saw of it in my hands? i cannot selfishly express to my [ ] that i will of course cross the world with her early christmas break to go see him. i must be reminded always by everything in this life that it is not about me, that it’s about everyone but me.
god if this is not the man for me please remove him from my life immediately
- god promptly removing the man from my life and me standing in utter disbelief in front of a window
overestimate anyone’s feeling for you and you will be sagging with pain again. i urge you to move differently
i feel so sick in my waiting
it is only too easy to go back to that narrative that i repel love when it comes, that i am afraid and that i am better off alone in my cool space with my empty, easy hands that always give back to myself what others can’t give
so why if this period in my life feels so successful do i gravitate towards sad music to describe it? is it because i am falling in love?
and i would make a list of what i didn’t like about him so i could ward off the feeling
because improving myself and doing more inner work is the only way i can escape this place of wanting someone
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