i think you have done a good job at showing me you are cold and beautiful. i am reminding myself that it is not love. idolization either. godhood either. i could never let go in front of you. i could never be myself. and from there i try to warn myself that that one piece of knowledge is all i need to walk away. that i love you so much i am afraid to shed the shell that everyone sees. that i find you so deeply alluring that i freeze when i am near you. and that that is love, being frozen.

but it’s not.

i want someone to show me the cherry trees of love, where the sakura go once they die, what fate they choose for themselves in their afterlives. i feel angry that i am not angry but merely resigned, resigned that love will continue having its way with me in this unsatisfying way, that it will continue showing itself to me in shadowy corners that i don’t dare tread because i am not yet Brain Developed enough. i am afraid that though i have hurt myself, i am resigned to love it forever, to let it hold me captive. am i turning then into a tunnel in which love can enter and leave as it pleases? am i just a means, something it passes right by, right through?