reading words has haunted the heart less
you are of this tiny world i can’t bother with anymore — the hiding, pretending, not-being, recoiling from the self. you are the tiny world not worthy of telling anyone about
co-star tells me that the greatest passions are the silent ones, and i tell co-star back to stop spoon-feeding me delusions. i tell her it is done and over with that i am cutting bits and pieces of her out of my life, that she is a bad habit i am breaking and that the 2024 version of myself won’t know her at all. but really, when was the last time i checked on her?
it’s still here, in some ways i believe i feel it brush the back of my neck here and then. if there was just some slight touch some catalyst that could bring this all back, i believe for a moment it could reimagine itself here. but if more time passes, as more time passes, please. as more time passes.
there was that sickness in my throat. anyhow it is dying now
2/17/23
i desperately want to leave this space which has your hands in it, the world which has your people in it but the trouble is they are my people too and our smaller community wedged inside this bigger one, i’m afraid that leaving it is going to be the scariest thing i do
2/19/23
maybe i am still so new at this that my hands act as though every beautiful thing deserves worshipping. but that isn’t an excuse to fall in love with your muse, and maybe i should draw a line always. to see something as worthy of worshipping does not mean i should begin to love it
緑の目
how it looked for that moment of passing light across your skin, how it had hit some unsuspecting green eyes — yes i have noted its beauty, when the sun pierced your eyes so aggressively (green).
茶色の目
it is as though i have fallen in love with a well of secrets. but i am sorry to have fallen in, for you hog those secrets to your chest and leave me suffering in the space of speculation (brown).
2/21/23
for quite nearly a year and a half i wished for you, i let you live inside my bones. now they are caving inward due to your overextended stay; now when i catch my eyes in the mirror i see her lowering her gaze. i see i have allowed a wrong kind of weakness in
2/24/23
girl, boy, you think you have no choice so you fall in love with what’s in front of you / what is just passing you by not meant for your eyes / that which is already tied by red thread to the hands of someone else / you must understand it will never work pining for love that way
makes me think that if we had them always we’d never love them properly / it is why i tell love, demand love to leave when i feel it waning, hesitating. i tell it desperately to go, as if saying so fiercely will tattoo the conviction to my heart bone. as if telling it to go will make it want to stay. it is trying to escape though i refuse to hold it hostage
why am i still so young and can’t see past your eyes to catch someone else’s? what did i do to make this one love so damning to eternity — the ‘this or nothing’? i despise its imprisonment. why could i not have been drawn to the voids in your eyes, ones i dreamt of kissing, of seeing mirrored in others i would love? why dream of you when you couldn’t give me anything? when you turned me into a person who couldn’t give myself anything either?
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